to Edition   8
 The first 48 years of my life
was envision in a fantasy
world.  It was a world of not
growing up, and built on top
with an alcoholic mind.  As I
progressed with age, so did
my fantasy world enlarge.  It
became stronger as did the
lies I spoke of that I came to
believe in.
  My living motto for thirty
years up to age forty-eight,
was that tomorrow I will win
a million dollars.  It became
tomorrow this;  tomorrow
that;  poop on yesterday,
and the hell with today.
  But, tomorrow never did
  Not until death faced me,
did I awake to the reality of
living, the real world beyond
my fantasies.
  Did I want to die in
misery? Or, did I want the
ever-lasting peace and
serenity when laid to rest.  
This was my choice.
  I then changed to the real
world.  Slowly, my fantasies
with lying, deceit,
dishonesty, cheating, etc., all
started to dis-appear.  I
became healthier in
accepting, understanding,
believing in the works of a
universal power.
  Having now three plus
years of changing under my
belt, I can honestly state my
happiness, beliefs, and
content-ment's with life
materializing.  I do feel each
day like a million dollars
without the actual money.
      Sitting on a park bench, my thoughts
range out to the heavens above.  A half moon
and a cluster of twinkling stars are all that I
can see, surrounded by a great mass of
blackness of space.  I imagine the mysterious
power that exists outside of myself.  Might
not it be true that I am being controlled or
influenced by a spiritual force?  Another
intelligence on a completely different level
from the forces around me, which is in
complete control?
    A turning point has now arrived in my life
as I sit on this park bench staring out into the
great unknown.  I en-vision the beauty of
living in this day and age, as I approach the
age of fifty.  I have been a total wreck in
surviving this long.  My life has been but a
trip through hell as I grasped the will to rule.  
Why should I be so stubborn and not let go?
    A linkage (if so) with a power greater than
I, and the coolness of the fresh air encircling
me now keeps my spirits high.  Having
survived this long,  I truly give credit to the
great and mysterious power of the universe.
    Working a part time job, I make  enough
money to pay rent and utilities for a small
apartment.  I have cable hookup and own a
telephone.  Having few friends and no family
to speak of, I spend my free time sitting in my
re-cliner reading books from the library
located two blocks from my apartment.
    I take cilostazol tabs as I have difficulty
walking due to the bad circulation of the
arteries in my legs.  My body aches from
osteoarthritis, that worsens as I grow older.  I
had to get professional help in treatment of
depression and alcoholism.  For my high
cholesterol I take Niacin 500Mg tabs each day.
    Did I not do a poor job of growing up?  Is
it not because I was playing God all those
years, controlling my will?
     The truth is that I now realize that I am
not the God that I once thought I was.  It is
fitting that I sit here on this park bench
looking out in wonder of it all.  That the
mysterious power, or, whatever is out there
beyond the great unknown that we all call
space, has complete control of my every move
as the clock ticks onward in time.
 "Mysterious Power"
    Switching my eyes from above, I glance down to the ground and notice
a five dollar bill at my feet.  Where did this five dollar bill come from?  I
am certain that it was not here when I sat on this park bench.  Reaching
down, I pick it up and stare at each side.  It is real.  I stuff the bill into my
pants' pocket, delighted at having chosen this park bench to sit on.
    Did I actually choose?  Or, was I not lead here to sit at this park
bench amongst many by the mysterious power?  By the shining light of a
street lamp, I look at a nearby willow tree and observe that the small
leaves high up on the branches are stationary.  There is no breeze to
have blown the bill to my feet.
    Is it not likely that the mysterious power of the unknown has had
something to do with this five dollar bill that I found at my feet?  I now
do believe that the mysterious power was responsible for my selection of
the park bench, where I sat down to rest my weary legs from the stress
of walking four city blocks.
    To think further into the matter, I also believe that the mysterious
power had something to do with getting me out of my recliner back in my
room, to take this here walk.
 Cunning as it may seem, I am truly glad that there is a mysterious
power to control my every move throughout each beautiful moment of
this day and age.  Having turned my life over to one of peace and
serenity, as I near the final days of existence.
    I can only vision that this is a good sign, as I rise to my feet to resume
my walk back to my apartment five dollars richer.
 Bingocliff   12/24/99